Today, Tomorrow and Forever
by Tacroy
Summary: The same way that Severus had begged for Lily to be spared, Lucius had begged for Sirius.   With all pride cast aside all he wanted was to save the man that he'd never stopped loving.


**Disclamer: I don't owe anything except for the idea to this story. Everything else belongs to the awesome JK Rowling.**

**AN: This story is written as a Christmas present for at girl at my work. She wanted this pairing - and who am I to say no to a challange?  
>BUt don't worry folks, I haven't given up on my other stories. I'm just having a bit of a creative meltdown. But I promise to start updating them again soon.<br>But until then - enjoy this.**

**PS. It contains Smut/Slash/Male-male sex. And if that's not your cup of tea - please don't read it. It's for your own good.**

* * *

><p>The sun slowly rises over the sleepy world. A normal day at the end of June and everyone is getting ready to leave for their jobs, schools and other activities. Almost everyone that is. In the master bedroom of the manor a man is still lying in bed. The artificial night that he'd created for himself the night before is effectively shutting the suns rays out. His blond hair lays spread across the pillow and is the only feature to be seen.<p>

He starts to stir in his sleep as the dreams begin to loose their hold of him. He keeps fighting to hold the dreams in place. This is not a day where he wants to wake up. But slowly he gets more and more aware of the surroundings.

"_I've always loved watching you sleep. It's the only time you look truly at peace."_

Without opening his eyes he smiles. The voice is always there when he wakes up. The voice that always makes him smile, even when he's close to rock bottom.

"_You're gorgeous when you sleep – breath taking."_

"So are you," he whispers – eyes still closed.

He doesn't want to open them because he knows that he'll be alone if he does. There is no body to go with the voice – there hasn't been one for years. But still he can hear the voice as clear as if it was truly there.

Every day he hope that he is mistaken – that there really is someone. And every time he opens his eyes he's proven wrong.

"Are you really here?" he whispers to the room.

But there is no reply. He prays for someone to be there – that someone that he craves to see more than any other.

Slowly he pulls the duvet from his face and opens his eyes. The only thing that meets him is the darkness.

He reaches for the wand lying on the table next to the bed and flicks it towards the windows to let the sun welcome him to the new day.

The sudden light stings his eyes and forces him to close them once more. He groans at the pain before carefully open the eyes one more time – slowly to adjust to the light.

Once his eyes are custom to the light he looks around in the room. Everything is exactly as it was when he went to bed the night before. And just as he feared he's alone.

He swallows hard to keep the disappointment at bay before he makes his way out of the warmth and comfort in the bed.

He stumbles to the closet to find something to put on. As much as he likes walking around in his briefs, this is not a day to do so. Instead he finds a silk gown that he throws around his shoulders to block the imaginary cold out. The sun is as warm as it can only be in June – but he can feel chills to his bones.

The curtains flutter from the movement of his gown and he can hear laughter. He turns around but there's no one there – just a memory. He shudders and leaves the room.

Down in the dining room the breakfast is already waiting for him on the table and his tea is steaming. But he's not in the mood for toast and tea. Instead the make his way through the room in to the library where he pours himself a glass of his most exclusive brandy.

He sits down in his arm chair, swirls the liquid in the glass and is mesmerised by the shapes it creates on the smooth surface. Soon he is lost in his own thoughts.

- /3 -

Lucius Malfoy paced the room. He was not the most patient man and this waiting was driving him mad. He'd been making the same excuse as ever – he needed to study on his own – but he was unsure about if his dorm mates believed him. But it didn't matter, because no one would do anything to compromise the infamous Lucius Malfoy. If someone dared to do it they would regret it for the rest of their lives – he'd made sure of that.

He looked around the room and decided that it was perfect like it was. There was nothing he could do with it to pass his time to make it better. So he was left to pace.

Suddenly the door opened and Lucius turned around. Another man had entered the room, and he looked flushed.

"You're late," Lucius simply stated.

"I know, I know," the other man said and closed the door behind him. "I had troubles getting away. Sorry."

He gave a crooked smile and shrugged – and there was nothing more Lucius could do than forgive him. He loved that smile.

"You're forgiven," he said and walked over to the man.

For a second their eyes met – silver and blue sending sparkles between each other.

"Merlin, I've missed you Sirius," Lucius finally said before crashing their lips together.

His hands flew up to Sirius hair and pulled him closer. Their tongues battled for the dominance both of them wanted. Sirius pulled Lucius body closer – not letting a single inch left untouched. The heat radiated from them as moans of pleasure filled the room.

When the need to breath became necessary Sirius pulled away.

"I've missed you too," he smiled and tried to catch his breath. "It's been too long."

He let his fingers carefully stroke a strain of hair back behind Lucius' ear. The blonde leaned in to the touch and took Sirius' hand in his.

"Far too long. Seeing you all day and not being able to touch you or even talk to you were driving me mad."

He took Sirius' hand and placed a careful kiss on the top. A tiny moan escaped Sirius and Lucius took that as a sign to continue. He let his mouth trace along the delicate hand savouring the taste. Gently his tongue traced the fingers and before Sirius knew it Lucius suck a finger in to his mouth and started to suck on it. His tongue played with the digit in a way that earned him the most obscene sounds from the brunette. Under half closed eyelids he looked up at his younger lover and saw the pleasure written on his face. He smirked and let the finger leave his mouth earning him a small whimper from Sirius.

"You're sweet like a sin," he purred.

"You're the sinful one Lucius," Sirius replied with a blushing smile.

Then he looked around the room for the first time since he entered. It was tastefully decorated – but what else would he expect from a classy man like Lucius. There was a table set for two with foods and drinks; a luxurious bed; and candles lighting the room.

"This is awesome," he laughed.

"Only the best for you," Lucius smiled and took his hand.

With impressive grace he guided his lover to the table and sat him down. Then he filled the glass with the best wine he could get his hands on. Sirius took one sip of it and laughed.

"You sir, are a snob."

"What can I say?" Lucius laughed. "I do love to spoil you."

Sirius raised his eyebrow and stared sceptically at him.

"What?" Lucius asked as he sat down on the other side of the table with a glass of wine on his own in the hand.

"If I wanted to be spoiled I would have stayed with my family."

"Really?" Now it was Lucius' turn to look sceptical. "I can't really see your charming mother spoil you rotten."

"You might be right." He laughed, but Lucius could hear that he'd struck a nerve.

"I'm sorry love," he said and started to get up.

"Don't worry. No harm done."

But it didn't matter what Sirius said – Lucius had been with him long enough to be able to read the man's expressions. So he left his chair and walked up to Sirius. He took him in his arms and held him close.

"I didn't mean to put you down like that," Lucius whispered. "This night is about us."

Sirius buried his head in the firm chest and let himself be held. Lucius knew that he'd said the wrong thing, and he planed to make it up to him.

"Come," he whispered and led Sirius away from the table.

"But the dessert?"

"You know the best thing about dessert?"

Sirius shook his head.

"It can be eaten in bed." Lucius smirked as he saw the lust take over in Sirius' eyes.

He gave the brunette a heated kiss on the lips before easing him down on the bed. After he let go he looked down for a moment to admire the perfection that looked up to him. The playful smile and the lustful blue eyes always drove Lucius mad with desire. And now he knew that he would soon get to devour his lover.

Without breaking eye contact Lucius took out his wand and guided the desert to the bedside table. As the glass bowl made contact with the wood and a clear note escaped and made its way through the room Lucius could feel the air thicken around them.

He sat down on the bed next to Sirius and let a finger trace the outline of his face. He smiled as Sirius closed his eyes – no doubt as to savour the feelings. He looked at the bedside table and saw both the strawberries and whipped cream, and for a second he couldn't bring himself to choose what to start with. So he picked up one of the berries and dipped it gently in the cream. As he moved it closer to Sirius' mouth he couldn't help himself but let it quickly brush against his nose and left a sweet white spot there. And Sirius wrinkled his nose so cute that he almost laughed. But instead of getting distracted he placed the berry gently at Sirius' lips and urged him to open his mouth. Sirius' tongue peeked out and lapped at the cream and as the strawberry pressed between his lips a small moan escaped him and Lucius groaned – it had been far too long and he didn't know how many of Sirius' sounds he could take before he ravished the younger boy.

With the strawberry Sirius managed to get the tip of Lucius finger in his mouth as well and he let his tongue swirl around it which caused Lucius eyes to fall shut – he wanted more. So he leaned down and let his own tongue take the place of his finger and Sirius surrendered in a heartbeat and let Lucius dominate the kiss. The mixed taste of strawberries, cream and Sirius made Lucius head spin and he forgot all plans on feeding the sweets to Sirius – the boy was sweet enough on his own.

Lucius' hands trailed along the body underneath him and his frustration of the lack of skin grew. So in one quick movement he spelled away both of their clothes. The feeling of hot skin against skin made them both moan and crave more. Lucius felt Sirius's hands move up along his back and twist themselves in his hair – Sirius had always had a love to hold and pull in the blond strains during sex.

Reluctantly Lucius left the delicious lips and kissed his way along the jaw and down the neck. The needy whimper that left Sirius when Lucius' tongue swept over the junction of the collarbones made its way straight to Lucius groin and he needed more. He let his teeth grace over Sirius' nipples and the boy arched his back in surprise as Lucius could almost see the lustful waves ripple throughout the body. And Lucius smirked – as much as he loved it when Sirius was in control he loved it when the boy became undone by his touch.

While Sirius was preoccupied with riding out the tides running through him Lucius gave him no time to recover as he's found the price he'd been looking for. So in one quick, fluid motion he swallowed Sirius' weeping erection to the hilt which caused Sirius to yell out in surprise. The grip on Lucius hair tightened and Lucius moaned around the cock in his mouth. Sirius arched his back and almost made Lucius choke. So instead of caressing the soft skin of his lover Lucius placed his hands on Sirius' hips to keep them still.

The incoherent words that spilled over Sirius' lips told Lucius that he was getting close to the edge. The pull on Lucius hair became harder and more desperate and as much as Lucius wanted to enjoy the musky taste that could only be Sirius he decided to put the boy out of his misery. So without Sirius taking any notice to it one of Lucius' hands left the hip and, in a coordinated manoeuvre with his tongue across the slit, two fingers slipped in to Sirius and brushed past his sweet spot deep inside. And with a hoarse scream from the brunette Lucius was rewarded with the white gold pumping down his throat. He swallowed hard to get every drop while the ripples of pleasure washed over Sirius and drained him.

When Sirius was empty and Lucius was sure that he'd got every drop Sirius had to offer he let the now flaccid cock slip out of his mouth. Sirius moaned and opened his eyes to look at Lucius. He smiled and Lucius saw him panting to catch his breath. So Lucius moved up and placed a kiss on the younger lips and let Sirius taste himself. Sirius still hadn't let go of Lucius hair and pulled him closer and deepened the kiss to get more of his lover.

Panting Lucius pulled away after a while and smiled at Sirius – he wasn't done yet. Sirius looked up at him and Lucius licked his lips. He didn't have much self-control left so when Sirius moved to come closer he lost it all. He took hold of Sirius' legs and spread them. That's when realisation lit up Sirius' face and the fact that Lucius was still hard hit him. He moaned and Lucius barely remembered to mutter the lubrication spell before he plunged in to Sirius' tight heat. Sirius almost screamed – his every nerve still overly sensitive from his orgasm. The heat surrounding Lucius was almost too much and he had to muster all of his restraint not to come immediately.

"Move," Sirius panted and pushed himself closer to Lucius – and the blond was more than happy to comply.

He slowly pulled out before thrusting back in. He sat an antagonising slow pace and made sure to brush across Sirius' sweet spot in every thrust. He felt Sirius squirm underneath him and the pants came in shorter breaths. Sirius whimpered and moaned and the sounds were sweet music for Lucius who fought with himself not to drive his lover through the mattress.

When he felt Sirius' erection starting to harden once more Lucius smirked and picked up the pace. Underneath him Sirius was nothing more than a weltering mass of pleasure and incoherent words.

One hand moved and took hold of Sirius' newly awakening erection and started to stroke him in pace with his thrusts. Even more moans escaped Sirius and Lucius heard his own name fall over the lips.

He thrust faster and harder and soon he had Sirius screaming for more. His own head was spinning and white spots danced across his vision – he was so close. But he wanted Sirius to come first.

He let his thumb dance across the head of Sirius' cock as he made a deep thrust that put all the sensation on Sirius' prostate and he felt how Sirius erupted for the second time in a short time.

The muscles clenched around Lucius and made Sirius impossibly tight and he felt himself fall over the edge and with Sirius name on his lips he spilled his load deep inside his lover. He road out his orgasm and – once sated – he almost collapsed on top of Sirius. He pulled out and lay down beside Sirius and tried to catch his breath.

Sirius cuddled closer and Lucius put an arm around him to pull him closer. He placed a soft kiss on top of the brown hair and they lay there in silence while their racing hearts slowed down.

Lucius would never admit it, but this was his favourite time with Sirius – the closeness and silence after sex. This was the only time where it was only them – the rest of the world didn't exist.

He felt Sirius' finger draw meaningless symbols on his chest and he chuckled when the finger brushed across a sensitive spot.

"I love you," Sirius whispered and placed his head on Lucius chest.

"I love you too," Lucius answered - and he knew that he meant it.

"If only…" Sirius started and Lucius knew what he was about to say, because he was thinking the same thing: if only this could last forever.

"There are no if's," Lucius smiled and kissed the brown locks. "It's only now."

And he wanted to believe those words more than anything.

"So…" Sirius started and looked up at Lucius. "Have you booked the rooms?"

Lucius laughed – he'd almost forgotten to tell Sirius about every detail.

"Of course. Everything is taken care of. The hotel is booked and waiting for us for two weeks. It'll just be you and me."

"You and me – alone – for two weeks," Sirius repeated. "And no one knows who we are. We can be just Sirius and Lucius."

"And we don't even have to leave the room," Lucius winked.

"Come on!" Sirius complained and hit his chest affectionately. "I want to show you off for the States. They should all know that you are mine."

"And you're mine." Lucius pulled him closer and tried to get as much of his love for him in a single kiss. As Sirius moaned he guessed that he'd succeeded.

"I'll meet you on July 1st and a portkey will take us to the hotel. Nothing can go wrong."

Sirius smiled at the statement. Lucius wanted to ask how Sirius planed on telling everyone about the trip – but he felt like this wasn't the time. At that moment the real world wasn't a problem. This was their time – their world. And as the comfortable silence fell over them nothing outside the walls of the room mattered.

- /3 -

Lucius smiles as he remembers the trip. It had been perfect – just like they had said. And for the first time in his life Lucius had been a normal boy with a normal boyfriend – not Lucius Malfoy dating the social outcast Sirius Black. Sometimes he still wished that they had stayed at the hotel in their own world. But they had both known that sooner or later they had had to get back to reality.

Lucius sighs. He downs the rest of the content in the glass. It burns his its way throughout his body and he shudders – but at the same time he can feel the numbness that follows. This is going to be a long day.

He refills the glass with his brandy and takes another sip. This one isn't as violent as the last.

The memories of that summer comes back to his mind. It was the last summer they had together. He can't even count how many times they snuck away to meet – just to be able to hold each other for a moment. It was the best summer in his life – but also the last summer of happiness.

- /3 -

It was a normal morning in the Malfoy household. The family was gathered in the big dining room enjoying a silent breakfast. Lucius was absentmindedly dipping a soggy toast in his tea. His mind was already at Hogwarts, already with Sirius. It had been three weeks since they'd last managed to see each other – and now it was only hours till they would meet up in the room of requirement. He could hardly wait.

"Lucius!" the harsh tone of the voice tore him from his thoughts.

"Huh?" he asked like a common fool – and he felt the disapproval radiate from his father.

"Sorry father," he mumbled and bowed his head.

"Have you even heard a single word I've said boy?"

Lucius swallowed hard – his father only ever called him boy when he was in trouble. Then he shook his head.

"Speak up boy! You can't expect me to read your every move."

"I'm sorry father. I did not hear what you said."

"Figures," his father muttered and took a sip from his tea. "I would have thought that the school would have taught you some manners yet boy. But seeing as you graduate next year and can't even pay attention I hardly doubt you'll change."

Once more Lucius swallowed hard – but he kept his head high not wanting the words to bring him down.

"But you better change and grow up. You're turning 17 in a few weeks, and that should mean that you should be able to be taken for an adult. So you better grow up. Because I will not be ashamed of my son when I marry him off."

Lucius chocked on the air he was breathing.

"What?"

"Manners boy," his father hissed, but Lucius didn't listen.

"What do you mean? I'm not getting married! I can't! I mean…"

"Silence!" his father roared.

Lucius fell quiet and sat back – the upset look never leaving his eyes.

"I will not hear about this." His father started. "Next July you are to marry Narcissa Black – it has been decided since you were young."

"Narcissa?" Lucius shrieked – of course he knew about the deal, but it had never felt real. Not until now.

"I don't even like her! She's a spoiled, stuck up…"

"I would suggest that you choose your next words carefully," his father warned.

"I don't love her!"

"Love? That will come later. She comes from a noble family, and you will marry her."

Lucius knew that there was no way to change his fathers mind. So in desperation he turned to his mother with begging eyes.

"Mother…please…"

She looked at her son sympathetically.

"It was decided long ago Lucius. It will happen."

Lucius swallowed back the tears that threatened to break free.

"But I'm in love with someone else," he whispered.

Unfortunately his father heard every word.

"You will end your teenage crush this year. Because in July you are to marry Narcissa. Or else there is no son in the Malfoy household."  
>He picked up the paper in front of him and started to read. Lucius knew that there was no reason to continue arguing – the discussion was over. And suddenly he wasn't as excited to go back to Hogwarts.<p>

- /3 -

The glass crashes against the wall as it leaves Lucius' hand in high speed. Just the mere thought of his father's decision makes him angry. How they could make an agreement like that without his approval is still beyond him. _You will end your teenage crush._ The words still rings in his ears. How could his father have called it a teenage crush when Lucius knew that is was so much more? And how could he ever have given it up?

He sits back in the chair and calms his breaths. That day had been the first day in a series of events that would cost him his heart. But what broke him the most was how little resistance he'd put up himself.

A new glass appears in his hand without him realising it. A new glass filled with more soothing liquid. No matter how much he'd like to forget he can't help himself but to remember.

- /3 -

They were lying in the bed in front of the fire. Lucius was on his back and Sirius lay cuddled up close to him with his head over Lucius beating heart.

It was a few days in to the term – and the first time they'd managed to get an evening for themselves away from everyone else. Lucius had been moody for days and even though he wanted nothing more than to keep Sirius close he couldn't help himself from letting his brooding be noticed.

"A knut for your thoughts," Sirius smiled and placed a soft kiss on Lucius' chest.

"It's nothing," Lucius said and looked in to the fire.

"Of course there is. I know you Lucius, whether you like it or not. And right now I know there's something troubling you."

Sirius was persistent. That was one thing that Lucius had learned while being with the brunette. And that was one of the things he loved about him as well. When Sirius wanted to know something he always managed to get the answers – one way or another.

"It's just…" Lucius started. He didn't want to go in to detail about what was troubling him, because to be perfectly honest he'd like nothing more than to forget all about it. "I just had a fight with my father before leaving for Hogwarts."

"Yeah?" Sirius looked up at him demanding more answers.

"Yes. About my future and everything."

"Aha," Sirius smiled and cuddled a bit closer to give some comfort. "And what about your future?"

It was getting to close to the real subject for Lucius and he didn't want to spoil this moment. This was his time – his and Sirius'. And he didn't want to destroy it.

"Nothing," he said and smiled.

"Nothing?" The look Sirius gave him told him exactly how much the brunette believed him at that moment.

"Okay, something. But I don't want to talk about it. Not now. This is our time."

He hugged Sirius closer and kissed him before he had the time to object. And as the kiss heated up all of Sirius objections melted away.

When they pulled apart Sirius yawned.

"You'll tell me one day," he whispered and closed his eyes.

"One day," Lucius agreed and kissed his head.

He felt how the younger boy grew heavy beside him as sleep took over. Soon Sirius was lost in a world created by himself where everything was like it was supposed to be – where they didn't have to pretend. And Lucius was envious. It had been days since he'd had a normal nights sleep.

He sighed. His father's words kept ringing in his ears but he didn't want to listen. He didn't want to hear them. Not now – not ever. This was his time with Sirius. The precious time they had together – and he did not want it infected by his father's words.

"I love you," he whispered and placed a soft kiss on Sirius head. _And I'm sorry that I'll have to break your heart_, he added in his mind before he let sleep take over and guide him to a place where troubles didn't exist.

- /3 -

Lucius sighs. He still longs for those dreams. And he still remembers them all – how he and Sirius left everything and everyone just to be together. He can't even begin to count all the times he wished he could go back in time and actually do something about it. But there is no point. Because he knows all to well that there is no changing the past no matter how much it haunts you.

- /3 -

Lucius was furious as he paced outside the abandoned classroom. How dared Sirius act like that? He'd been given strict instructions. The deal was clear. And yet he dared to go against it. Lucius should make him explain, apologise and, depending on his mood, take the punishment.

Soon he heard the laughter travel along the stone walls and he recognised Sirius' own – he would recognise it anywhere. He didn't have to wait long before he saw the Gryffindor quartet turn the corner and head in his direction. They were laughing and chatting – which only made Lucius madder. He searched out Sirius amongst them and managed to get eye contact. His eyes were flaming as he signalled for Sirius to leave his friends and come to the classroom next to Lucius. An almost invisible nod told Lucius that the brunette understood.

He turned his back to the group and stalked in to the classroom to wait.

He didn't have to wait long before the door flew open and an upset Sirius stood in the door way.

"What?" Sirius hissed as he slammed the door shut behind him.

"You know bloody well what", Lucius said between clenched teeth.

"I'm not a bloody mind reader Malfoy," Sirius just but shouted. "If you have a problem with me you'll have to tell me."

Lucius did his best to keep his own fury back as he saw the normally clear blue eyes of his lover turn stormy.

"I thought we had a deal that you keep your _friends_ away from Severus," he hissed and took a threatening step closer.

"And I am," Sirius hissed back and answered the challenge by moving forward.

"Really?" Lucius almost laughed. "I wouldn't call sending him to the hospital wing with green stripes and a black eye to stay away."

"I'm doing my best…"

"Your best apparently isn't good enough!"

"I wouldn't have to try so hard if you told that git to stay away from us," Sirius spat and took another step closer.

"And I wouldn't have to protect him if you could control your friends!"

Lucius could see the last straw break in Sirius as the younger boy came closer and almost yelled.

"He was provoking us! I tried to keep James calm. But if you want James to keep away from your precious follower you should put him on a leach!"

Lucius clenched his hands so the knuckles turned white to keep himself from resorting to violence – the only one he wanted on a leach was Sirius.

He was just about to answer back when Sirius flung himself at him and locked their lips together.

For a moment Lucius was taken aback from the change of approach – and Sirius didn't need anything else to take control of the kiss.

Lucius felt the demands from Sirius and happily complies – he loved it when Sirius took charge every now and then. So when Sirius took hold of Lucius' blond hair and pulled there was nothing left for Lucius but to moan. Sirius' other hand found the end of Lucius' back and pulled him closer. As the hand travelled further south and squeezed one of Lucius' buttocks a deeper moan escaped the blond and he felt himself harden. And the moan from Sirius confirmed that he felt the same way.

One of Lucius' hands found its way to the brown locks and soon his fingers were tangled up in the soft hair. He made an experimental pull and was rewarded with a pleasure filled groan. He smirked in to the kiss and was just about to repeat the manoeuvre when Sirius pulled away.

Breathlessly their lust filled eyes met and Lucius wondered why Sirius had stopped. But before he had the time to ask he heard it – laughter. The rest of the world was intruding on their moment and there was nothing they could do about it.

Lucius pulled Sirius in for a last deep kiss before reluctantly letting go.

"Will I see you tonight?" he asked with Sirius' hand still in his.

But Sirius shook his head and almost pulled away. Though only almost since Lucius didn't want to let go.

"Why?" he asked even though he could guess the answer.

"Detention with McGonagall," Sirius answered and hung his head in shame.

"For how long?"

"Four weeks – including weekends."

Lucius sighed quietly but didn't want Sirius to hear. Instead he put his other hand under Sirius' chin and lifted his face to look in his eyes.

"Then I'll wait those weeks. And before graduation I'll give you a night to remember."

He smiled as he saw the joy and excitement in the blue eyes that looked back at him.

"And then we'll have the summer," Sirius laughed.

"Yes…the summer." An invisible shudder ran along Lucius at the thought of the summer as he remembered his father's words at the end of the last one.

"We'll have the summer," he said and smiled back.

He would tell Sirius later. He didn't feel right bringing bad news when his lover smiled.

They shared one last kiss in privacy before they left the room and went in separate directions.

- /3 -

Lucius swallows hard. That had been the last time he'd seen Sirius smile. At least towards him. This is his last somewhat happy memory from a long time past. And his biggest regret is that he never made more of them.

The grandfather clock in the hallway strikes two. A part of him is surprised that it's that late already. Another part of him is surprised that he's been left alone for his long. But what hurts him the most is that he knows that the day is far from over.

- /3 -

The sun was shining and it was warm outside. Long shadows were cast over the green grass outside the castle where students relaxed after the last day of their exams. Almost all of them relaxed.

Under a big oak tree at the borders of the forbidden forest Lucius stood passive as an angry – broken – Sirius yelled at him. Lucius didn't know what to do, so he just stood there taking in everything that his lover screamed.

A moment later Sirius stopped screaming. He looked at the blond with disgust. It was a look more degrading than anything his father could give him and Lucius couldn't take the silence any longer.

"Please," he begged. "You have to understand."

"I don't have to understand anything," Sirius said with an almost dead voice. "You made your choice"

"At least let me explain."

"No," Sirius snapped. "I don't want to hear it. You made your decision, and I've made mine."

He turned his back to Lucius and was about to leave. Lucius felt the desperation grow inside of him. He couldn't let Sirius leave.

"Sirius! Please, I beg you…" there was only so much he could do to keep the tears away from his voice.

"What is it that you don't understand? You made your choice when you agreed to marry Narcissa. And I don't want to be your lover on the side. I deserve more than to be your dirty little secret."

It sounded so horrible when Sirius said that. Of course, Lucius wanted to scream. Sirius deserved so much more, but…

"I had no choice! My family…"

"Oh yeah," Sirius mocked. "Blame your family why don't you!"

Once more he turned to leave and Lucius was getting more desperate.

"I hade no choice!" he yelled and Sirius stopped dead in his tracks.

The younger boy turned around and looked at Lucius with so much contempt that the blond felt himself shrinking beside his shorter lover.

"No choice? Don't make me laugh. You could have said no. You could have walked away."

"I'm not that strong," Lucius whispered.

"I know. You're pathetic," Sirius spat. "Don't bother calling, I won't be there."

Then he turned his back to Lucius once more and walked away – leaving the blond speechless and sobbing by the forest. And not once did he look back.

- /3 -

Lucius eyes are closed as hard as he can to keep the tears from falling. He can still remember every feeling those words gave him.

"I'm sorry," he whispers and he hopes that someone hears them. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to…I never wanted…I…I…" the words aren't there and instead the tears starts to fall.

"I'm sorry." He says it again – a bit louder. But only the fire answers him.

His glass is empty and he quickly fills it to the brim with the strongest fire whiskey he can find.

"I never meant to break your heart," he says and sits back in the chair.

But he knows that it's only half true. Because he doesn't know who's heart actually broke – Sirius' or his own.

- /3 -

Months after his wedding Lucius sat in his study – like he did every day. In front of him there was a piece of paper and in his hand the pencil trembled. He hesitated before putting the tip to the paper – but what did he have left to loose?

_Dear Sirius._

_I'm…I'm…I miss you and there are no words to explain how much. I'm sorry for what happened. I really am. I miss you so much. Everything about you. And I want to be a part of your life again. I love you. Only you. Always._

_Please. Can you find it in your heart to give me one more chance? I beg you._

_Yours forever_

_Lucius_

He looked down on what he'd written and sighed. It wasn't good enough. He ripped the paper from the desk and crumbled it hard before he threw it across the room. There the ball of paper joined all the others in the same state – all the un-sent letters. He'd lost count on how many he'd tried to write. There was so much he wanted to say – but somehow he could never find the right words for it.

- /3 -

He downs the last of the fire whiskey and shudders. The alcohol burns through him, be he hardly notice it anymore.

All those letters that he never sent. They still haunt him. Would it have been different if he'd sent them? Would he still have Sirius in his life if he had? He doesn't know – and that haunts him more than anything.

Some stray tears fall down his cheek. Furiously he wipes them away. This is not the time to cry – it's the alcohol that weakens him.

He leaves his chair and walks over to the bar cabinet. For a second his had hesitates right above the next bottle of fire whiskey. Suddenly he's unsure if he should take it or not.

His thoughts are interrupted by a pop and a careful voice talking to him.

"Master Malfoy sir, Dipsy thinks Master Malfoy should eat some dinner. Yes she does. Master Malfoy hasn't eaten today. And Dipsy is worried. And so is…"  
>"That's enough," Lucius whispers. He doesn't want to hear any more. "Leave me alone."<p>

"Master Malfoy…" the elf starts with a meek voice.

"Leave!" Lucius raises the voice enough for a small tremble to become noticeable.

Even though he has his back towards the elf he knows that she is fighting with herself on what order to obey. But when he hears the silent pop he knows that she's left him alone – probably to go and punish herself for failing to comply with her other order.

In normal circumstances Lucius would actually feel bad for her. But at the moment he can't find enough room for that.

He takes a second look at the bottle that he's now holding in his hand. And he decides to take another glass of the liquid inside. He brings both bottle and glass with him to the chair.

When the alcohol touches his lips he gets lost in the flames in the fire place.

- /3 -

Lucius sat by the breakfast table early in the morning enjoying the silence. His head hurt and it had been weeks since he'd had a nice nights sleep. The reason for that was because his son Draco was tormented of nightmares – not that Lucius blamed him – and Narcissa persisted on letting the boy sleep in their room. It would have been a good idea – but it didn't keep the boy quiet throughout the night. So the boy cried and Lucius ended up with a head ache. But he knew better than to complain to his wife and come with better solutions since that would only lead to a fight that would give him an even bigger head ache.

So in stead he took every moment he could find of silence and just relaxed.

He took a sip of his tea and took up the mornings _Prophet._ The headline that met his eyes made him spit out all of his tea again.

**Sirius Black – serial killer – kills 13 muggles along with best friend**

Quickly Lucius found the page and read the article. The story seemed more impossible the more he read – that was not the Sirius he knew. Sirius was a man who cared too much about his friends – he would never kill one of them.

Lucius knew that Peter Pettigrew was a traitor but he didn't want to get too involved. It was not his battle. But if Sirius got affected Lucius had to do something. He had to help Sirius.

He got up and was just about to leave for the Ministry when realisation hit him – what could he do? If he went to the Ministry and told them that Sirius was innocent and that Pettigrew was the true traitor they would want to know how Lucius knew. And he couldn't tell them about the mark on his arm. That would put both him and his family at risk – and he couldn't do that. Not to them. But if he didn't act Sirius would co to Azkaban for an unknown period of time. He couldn't let that happen. But he didn't know what he could do that wouldn't make them suspect him.

Thoughts and feelings kept battling in him and left him paralyzed. And that's how his wife found him hours later when she came down for breakfast. Though she never got to know why.

- /3 -

_You're pathetic_ – amongst the last words Sirius ever said to him and still the words that haunt him the most. And he agrees. There was so much he could do – but out of fear he ended up doing nothing.

The tears are streaming down his face now but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to stop them – maybe they can wash away all the pain. Maybe they can become clean once more. Maybe he can be forgiven.

The clock strikes evening and his stomach rumbles. He's hungry but he doesn't want to eat. All he wants to do is stop being. Perhaps then everything would be better.

- /3 -

Lucius paced outside his study. He was nervous – and scared. The meeting was over a few moments ago and all the plans were revealed. Everyone got their part – even Lucius. But the risks were too high. He didn't want to risk anything going wrong – not now. He had to do it.

Hesitantly he knocked on the door and waited.

"Enter," came the slithering voice from the other side.

He swallowed hard and opened the door.

"My Lord," he said and bowed as he closed the door behind him.

By the fires Lord Voldemort was standing with his back against the door. But when Lucius spoke to him he slowly turned around to face him.

"Yes?"

Lucius swallowed a few times to get his voice under control before attempting to explain.

"I'm sorry to disturb you my lord. Especially now since you have just begun to set your plan in to action," Lucius began and tried to sound as humble as possible.

He must have succeeded because the dark lord stayed still and waited for him to continue.

"But I am concerned about one part of your plan…"

"Are you questioning me Lucius?" and Lucius knew he'd said the wrong thing.

"Of course not My Lord," he almost stuttered to try to save the conversation. "I was just wondering about one part of your plan."

"And what part would that be?"

Lucius hesitated for a moment while trying to figure out how to explain it – to find the right words.

"To lure Harry Potter to the Ministry you will be using Sirius Black?" he wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement, but Voldemort nodded and Lucius knew there was only one way of saying it.

"Will Sirius Black come to any harm?"

At this Voldemort looked genuinely surprised and raised an eyebrow.

"And what if he is?"

Lucius closed his eyes and tried to collect himself.

"I…" he began – feeling like he was travelling in to unknown territory. "I want you to spare him."

"Really?"

"Yes," Lucius bowed his head. "Please."

He was begging, and he knew it. His father would not have agreed – because Malfoy's never beg. But Lucius didn't care. If there was something he could do for Sirius then he would do it.

"And what would that mean to you?" Voldemort sounded truly interested.

But before Lucius had the time to answer he heard the dark lord whisper one word.

"Legilimens."

Before he knew it Lucius was thrown in to his own mind with the dark lord as audience. Images flashed before his mind – all of them of Sirius. Memories started playing – the first meeting; the first look; the first kiss (those soft lips that so hesitantly found each other and shared a bit of heaven); the first night together (the fumbling and feeling and curiosity and heat); the first _I love you_; and the first _I love you too_.

The images stopped and Lucius fell to his knees – overwhelmed by the emotions that lay hidden in those memories.

"How interesting," Voldemort mused and Lucius could hear the mockery in his tone. "Those feelings are much stronger than the ones for your wife. Are you hiding something Lucius?"

The voice was like silk but it cut through Lucius like a knife. The threat in those words was unmistakable.

"Yes," he whispered. He knew there was no point in lying.

"I beg you pardon?" Voldemort said mockingly.

"Yes," Lucius said a bit louder – trying to keep the contempt and disgust out of his voice.

"Then tell me Lucius – why do you want me to spare the mutt?"

"I…" Lucius began.

He hesitated a moment – afraid to admit the reason. But he felt how Voldemort grew impatient and knew that if he wanted to have a chance he would have to speak up.

"I love him. I've always loved him. Please, I beg you, spare him."

He buried his face in his hands and didn't dare to look up.

"Love?" Voldemort mused. "So much talk about love. Ridicules I tell you."

Lucius stopped breathing and his heart threatened to break out of his chest.

"But you are a good servant Lucius. I will grant you your wish. _I_ will spare Sirius."

The breath he'd been holding left Lucius with relief.

"Thank you my Lord," he said and smiled before leaving the room.

He'd done something good for Sirius. Perhaps this could be the first step to make everything okay.

- /3 -

Lucius shoots out of the chair he's been sitting in all day. This is that same room. This is the fire the dark lord was standing in front of. Underneath his feet is the rug that he fell to his knees on. This is the room where he begged for a dead man.

He feels his stomach clench and trash inside of him and threatens to expose of all of its content. With hands over his mouth he runs from the room and just manages to get to the bathroom before all the alcohol connects with the water in the bowl. It burns his throat on the way up and the strong sent makes its way to his nose and makes him shudder in disgust.

He feeling of nausea won't leave him – but after dry heaving a few times he feels it's safe to leave the bathroom.

He stumbles out in his bedroom and the room keeps spinning around him. He wants nothing more than to lay down – but he can't stay here. There are too many memories – too many ghosts that won't leave him alone.

He throws on a robe and – against better judgment – apparates himself to one of the wizard pubs in London.

Lucius stumbles in to the pub on wobbly legs. He doesn't care about the looks he gets – he isn't there to socialise. He sits down by the bar and orders a double fire whiskey. The bartender is about to object but one look from Lucius makes him think twice.

Instead he hands Lucius the glass and the bland takes half of it in one go.

- /3 -

June 18. The worst day in Lucius life.

The plan had been so simple. They would lure Potter to the Ministry with a fake image of them torturing Sirius – Lucius shuddered at the thought of that happening for real. And then they would make him take the prophecy and hand it over. But everything went wrong. Potter had friends and they decided to fight. Lucius wanted them all to take it easy – he wasn't there to hurt anyone. But his partners seemed to be.

They had the kids rounded up in the room with the Veil of Death and suddenly member of the Order of the Phoenix started to appear. A battle commenced and everything went mad.

Then he saw Sirius.

The sight took him aback first. This was the first time in many years that he'd seen the man for real – he looked older. But Lucius knew that it was still the same Sirius. He recognised the spark in the blue eyes when he took in the action. All Lucius wanted to do was to run up to the man, take him in his arms and never let go.

But Bellatrix started to fight with both Potter and Sirius, and Lucius was obliged to help. He threw innocent curses at the two while trying to get eye contact with Sirius. He tried so hard to tell the man to leave and wait for him somewhere else.

But either Sirius didn't notice his attempts, or he didn't care – Lucius had a feeling that it was the last of the two.

Then suddenly Sirius stopped with what he was doing. He was smiling – but he looked surprised. Lucius froze and watched the man stumble and fall against the veil – and through it.

The world stopped spinning. Everything went quiet. Bellatrix seemed to be laughing behind him – Potter looked just as chocked as Lucius.

Lucius felt the world fall apart – no one ever returned from beyond the veil. He wanted to throw himself in after Sirius and drag him back out. Anything to get to feel him again. His breath caught in his throat and threatened to suffocate him. A scream tried to find its way from his body – a scream and all the pain. But before a sound could fall over his lips he was hit in the chest by a stunner and he fell to the floor – scream still trapped inside of him.

What happened after that night didn't mean anything for Lucius. How could anything matter when the only person he'd ever lover was gone?

He was sent to Azkaban. And every moment of every day he had to relive it all – how Sirius had walked away from him; how he'd done nothing to keep Sirius out of Azkaban; how Sirius fell through the veil and left him forever.

His time was spent sitting in the corner of his cell – crying – crying until there were no more tears to find. He was in his own personal hell, and he deserved to be there.

When the Dark Lord sent someone to rescue him he didn't want to leave. He was in the only place he could ever belong. Here he got the punishment he deserved for breaking his lover. Someone had taken him and dragged him out of the cell while he begged them to let him stay.

When he met Narcissa he could fell nothing but contempt. It was her fault that he was in this mess to begin with. If she hadn't been there then he would never have lost Sirius to begin with. Every time she came in to the room he left. Every time she tried to touch him he pulled away. She thought it was the side effects of the dementors – but he knew better. It was what she deserved for ending his life – because he'd realised that since their marriage he'd lost his own heart.

He didn't even feel sorry when she was killed during the final battle. Not a single tear was spilled because he had no tears left to shed.

- /3 -

"You were wrong father," he stutters as he starts drinking on his second double fire whiskey. "Love never came. I could never love her. How could I when another Black held my heart?"

He speaks to no one in particular stares down in the wooden bar. The wood keeps spinning and he feel how the chair is getting harder to stay on.

A feather light hand touches his cheek but he knows that no ones there – it's just imagination, nothing more than a hopeless whish.

"_I love you._" The words are whispered so quietly that he hardly hears them. But he knows the voice.

"I love you too," he whispers back and starts to cry once more.

"I think it's time you go home," the bartender says.

But Lucius doesn't listen – and even if he did he wouldn't care.

"I'll take him," comes a voice from the door.

The voice tries to break through in to the shadows where Lucius has spent the day.

A soft hand is placed on his shoulder and another cold hand strokes his cheek.

"Come home with me," the voice says.

"No," Lucius mumbles. "Don't want to. Memories."

"I know love," The voice says and strokes his hair. "But you can't stay here. You can't drown yourself in sorrows and alcohol. He wouldn't want that."

Fury rises in Lucius chest at those words. He smacks the hands away and looks at the dark haired man as he tries to focus his gaze.

"How would you know what he'd want?" his voice is surprisingly clear considering the state he's in. "You didn't like him in school, and you like him even less now."

The dark haired man sighs quietly before moving closer.

"I know because he loved you – and so do I. And I don't want you to do this to yourself. Please, let me help you home."

Lucius calms his breath and stays silent. Love? That is a funny thing. And he does believe that Sirius once loved him – at least he hopes so. And Severus? Maybe.

Lucius doesn't have to say anything because Severus can see that he will comply. He places a strong arm around Lucius' waist to support him down from the chair. The blond man has almost no strength left in his body so Severus almost carries him out of the pub.

He knows better than to apparate back to the manor – that is not the place for Lucius to be at the moment. Instead he takes a steady hold of him and apparates to the only house he can think of – the Prince residence. A place that holds no memories – no ghosts.

He guides Lucius up to the bedroom and puts him down on the bed gently. Lucius is barely conscious and mumbles to himself as Sirius spell off his clothes and arranges for him to be under the duvet instead of on top of it.

Saddened he looks down on the man on the bed. The once proud and handsome man is laying there all broken and lost in his own darkness – and there's nothing Severus can actually do to make it better.

Suddenly Lucius tosses and screams before almost falling out of bed. Severus is quickly sitting down next to him and strokes his face gently.

"Relax Lucius," he whispers. "It's only a dream. It can't hurt you. Not anymore."

He doesn't know what the dreams are about – but he can guess.

"I love you Lucius. I won't let them hurt you."

He lies down next to Lucius and takes to older man in his arms. Hopefully he'll be able to keep the darkness away. He places a soft kiss on Lucius' forehead and only just registers a whisper from the man.

"I love you too Sirius."

Severus heart dies a little, but he knows that there is nothing he can do.

He knows that Lucius can never love him in the same way the he once loved Sirius. But Severus is okay with that. Because as long as he gets to love Lucius that much then he can cope with anything.

* * *

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